Cultivating Personal Awareness Overcoming People-Pleasing to Recover from CEN
May 9, 2021
Click here to download the worksheet
Hi everyone, this is Ludemia (aka Mia), and welcome to Heart-Mind Equation.
This is Episode 4 of our CEN series. In the last episode, we have described people-pleasing habits as one of many consequences of Childhood Emotional Neglect. We have also listed 12 recommendations to help us decrease these behavioral tendencies, related to CEN. Don’t forget to go on my website: heartmindequation.com, to download the worksheets associated with this episode.
Among our 12 recommendations that we’ll be discussing in the next episodes, … today, we are addressing the first one only, which is Cultivating our Personal Awareness.
When we are talking about cultivating awareness, we simply mean to acknowledge what we are thinking and feeling, in the present moment. We need to understand what motivates us to behave like a people-pleaser.
The first thing is to find out the reason why we need to please this particular person, in the first place…What does this person’s perception of us mean to us? It could also be a group of people, that we want acceptance from, or want to impress, etc.
What is our emotional need, at this moment? Is it acceptance, appreciation, recognition from this particular person, the need to be liked by everyone, or simply, the need to feel needed?
What do we fear about the people’s displeasure of our behavior? Is it fear of rejection, disappointing others, fear of judgment, or fear of conflict?
Basically, our healing process starts with awareness, with the answers to these questions. I can take myself as an example.
You see, from my childhood years until, not earlier than 10 years ago, I always tend to put people’s needs first: disregarding my own needs and emotions. I was doing everything I knew was gonna make them or keep them happy … as if it was my job to keep everyone happy (especially in my immediate family). Back then, I used to put a smile on my face, even when I felt like crying.
At times, I used to feel angry, resentful, or depleted, especially when people would take time and energy from me that I did not have to give. I was mad at everyone who requested or expected anything from me, yet I would still deliver. Knowing that I had to take responsibility for my behavioral reactions to please people, I had come up with an excuse to justify myself to myself. So I have convinced myself of not being a selfish person, as I am always thinking of everyone else. But the reality is different. In fact, people-pleasing is selfish, cause it is mostly centered on How Can I Make People Like Me.
When my self-awareness inquiring journey started, about 2 decades ago, I was able to answer those questions about my people-pleasing habits.
To make a long story short, my reasons for explaining my people-pleasing syndrome actually go all the way back to my childhood.
I was a parentified kid who helped raise my 2 younger sisters, as both of my parents were often working 2 jobs to make ends meet. After school, I had to cook, clean, help my sisters with their homework and help them get settled for bed.
When my parents arrived from work, very late in the evening, us, the children, were already in bed, sleeping. On the weekend, when they were both home, my father would often congratulate me, for taking care of my sisters and the household and for my high marks on my school exams or essays.
For him, I was always the good kid, doing what I was told, making them look good in front of people, and getting good grades in school. I remember him constantly bragging about my academic performance all the time. On the other hand, despite the constant praise, I never felt like my parents knew who I really was as a child, aside from being that good kid, with good grades. Maybe because I fearfully was, only being, what they wanted me to be, instead of who I wanted to be. In fact, I desperately wanted them to acknowledge who I really was, instead of what I do. Or simply, showing an interest in validating who I was. My childhood emotional need for validation was dismissed.
Whenever I would speak up to my parents about feeling misunderstood and unhappy, they would respond (especially my father) by saying that they give me food, clothes, a roof over my head TV, and radio for distraction, sent me to school, books to read, so what else do I need? Trying to explain to my father some of his mistreatments or bad behaviors towards me, he would get so angry and violent sometimes. I felt like I only was an accessory for him to show off to everyone, ironically, how good of a parent he was, since he was raising such a good kid (so he said).
My mother, on the other hand, even if present, was rather absent. She left all the parenting jobs to my father, besides the domestic tasks (cooking and cleaning) and taking physical care of her children.
Since my parents were both workaholics by obligation and not by choice, they would feel underappreciated when we ( my sisters and I), would express sadness or distress. My mother would overlook it and always redirected us towards our father. And he would be more busy talking about how he is working so hard every day and that we should be grateful instead of unhappy. Our feelings, back then, were often overlooked.
I quickly learned, with my immature mind, at the time, that I had to acknowledge my parents’ feelings and desires, before my own. So I did my best to be an obedient kid, living up to their expectations. And this is when my people-pleasing behaviors really started.
Cultivating awareness for me, helped me understand my people-pleasing habits. I found out, later in life, that I do have those childhood unmet emotional needs for validation, and appreciation for who I was rather than for what I do. I also felt those fears of disappointing others, blame and criticism, and most of all, the fears of judgment and rejection.
Today,… every time I am put in a position where I tend to be a people-pleaser, I ask myself these 6 simple questions:
- What am I thinking and feeling, right now, that makes me want to please this particular person or this group of people?
2.What limiting beliefs result from these previous thoughts and emotions?
3. Why am I afraid of not pleasing this person? What fears get triggered?
4. What are my emotional needs, in the present moment?
5. Who will benefit the most from this people-pleasing outcome?
Me, the other person only? Or, will it be a win-win outcome?
6. What is the best thing that can happen if I am true to myself, instead of pleasing this person, unwillingly?
The answers to questions #1 and 2 mostly reflect the main reasons why we engage in people-pleasing behaviors, in the first place.
So, I take my case, as an example, to question #1 and 2: which is to acknowledge my thoughts-feelings and limiting beliefs.
Usually, for me, in those cases, those thoughts are negative ones, like: What does he or she think of me right now? How does he or she perceive me?
Unfortunately, it is those same thoughts that get me feeling depleted, anxious, and fearful, triggering 3 Limiting Beliefs that I am still fighting today, which are: 1. Not being important enough for my needs and wishes to be taken into consideration. 2. If I do as I please, I am being selfish ( and resent being selfish ).
- Making and keeping people happy is one of my responsibilities.
It is as if, I rationalized my thoughts-feelings and emotions… with rational lies.
I know today, that our limiting beliefs about our self-perception, from childhood emotional neglect, enhance those tendencies of people-pleasing.
Now knowing that, as an adult, I have changed the narrative about my self-worth, by changing my limiting beliefs to positive beliefs, building my self-worth from the inside-out.
Identifying our Limiting Beliefs is the second recommendation, to overcome our people-pleasing habit and our depleted feelings from our childhood emotional neglect. And we will be discussing it at our next episode, on how to eliminate people-pleasing behaviors related to CEN.
So if the episode resonated with you, feel free to like, comment, share with someone. Stay tuned and get notifications for episode 5, and don’t forget to download the worksheets associated with it.
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