The 10 Relational Needs
April 21, 2020
Hi everyone!
This Ludemia ( aka – Mia ) from Heart-Mind Equation
This is part 2 of 3 podcasts, called ‘’Learning Self Love’’
In my last podcast, I have shared with you how I was learning to increase my self-love. Now, I’m just going to make a summary of how we can all apply 10 relational needs to ourselves. These 10 relational needs were first used to explain the basic elements of a healthy relationship between 2 people.
But those elements can also be used to explain the relationship we have with ourselves. In order to increase our self-love.
Of course, our relationships with other people are important, but relationships to themselves are even more important. It is the barometer of how functional our relationships to others can be.
The 10 relational needs are ( not in order of priority ):
- Acceptance 6. Comfort
- Affection 7. Encouragement
- Appreciation 8. Respect
- Attention 9. Security
- Approbation 10. Support
- ACCEPTANCE
We demonstrate acceptance towards ourselves when, despite our imperfections or aspects of ourselves we would prefer not to have, we get to live with those aspects of ourselves without trying desperately to change them. For example, we wish to have a particular physical appearance, prefer to have that type of hair, body shape, etc. If it is impossible to change them, we can accept them and make the best of what we can with them. Acceptance also includes self-knowledge, where we have a sense of identity. If knowledge is power, knowing thyself is self-empowerment.
- AFFECTION
To manifest affection to ourselves could be for example, to take some quality time alone, where we can pamper ourselves. I know I like to go to the mall, by myself and do some window shopping. It relaxes me. I have a friend who likes having a day off, in the middle of the week and staying home alone when the kids are in school and the husband is at work. She says enjoying that time to relax, read, meditate, do some on-line shopping, etc.
- APPRÉCIATION
To express or verbalize compliments to ourselves. To write down, every day, 1 or several things we are PROUD of ourselves for and why. We need to acknowledge every time we cross something on our To-Do List or better yet our To-Be List. To start a Gratitude Journal also helps us to stay grounded with our reality. It prevents us from becoming bitter and it breaks down the negative thought loops.
- APPROVAL
We show approval to ourselves when we are comfortable with who we are. When we are congruent to ourselves, not pretending to be a certain way: No social mask. No shame, guilt, remorse, or regrets about who we are. We should never have to apologize for who we fundamentally are. Self-approval is based on personal integrity.
- ATTENTION
We pay attention to ourselves when we take into consideration the emotions we feel about a situation, an event, or a person; when we are not in deliberate denial about what we feel ( no repression or suppression ).
we need to pay attention to our bodies, as well as our feelings. For example, we should listen to it when it tells us that we are too tired to do a certain task or chore. And most of all, we also pay attention to ourselves when we listen to our intuitions ( our gut feelings ). We are to consider our insight, before our eyesight.
- COMFORT
This is when we find ways to soothe our painful emotions when going through a difficult situation. We can use internal dialogue telling us that it’s gonna be OK, praying, meditating or comfy in someone.
Here again, using different distractions to soothe ourselves is ok, as long as we can address the situation eventually. Not to use the distractions to avoid an unfortunate situation. Running away from it can only make it more present. Someone said: ‘’Until you handle it with grace, it will always be in your face’’.
- ENCOURAGEMENT
We all have different ways to encourage ourselves when we are lacking drive or when our enthusiasm decreases. For me, I keep myself motivated by some pep talk I give myself. Sometimes, I listen to a motivational speaker. I often start my day by reading an inspirational quote.
I also surround myself with people that believe in me and I celebrate every little victory. Instead of looking at how far we are to reach a certain goal, we should look back to see how far we have come. There is always a first step to every path and to every staircase.
- SECURITY
It is important for me to know that I am myself’s best friend. I have learned that I have to take care of myself first, before taking care of others ( something I was not doing before ).
We trust ourselves more when we are consistent in our actions when we keep our promises to ourselves and when we develop good habits. It can go from taking care of our body ( eating well and exercise ) to our mental state ( ex : avoiding toxic people or the environment ).
- RESPECT
We need to honor who we are by not putting ourselves down, every chance we get; by being assertive, not self-sabotaging, giving ourselves realistic goals, being responsible for our actions ( no victim mode ).
When we play the victim, we give away our power to change or influence the situation. We need to say what we mean and mean what we say. That’s a way to be congruent with ourselves without compromising our integrity.
- SUPPORT
By showing support to ourselves, we get to sustain all the 9 previous concepts. It is the consistency of applying all of them, that we can really say that we are being supportive of ourselves. If my podcast resonates with you, give me a thumbs up or leave a comment below.
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This is Mia and thank you for tuning in to my channel :
Heart-Mind Equation: Where you unlock your hidden potentials !!!